The Habituation of Worry
The dance of Goblins and Gremlins!
Greetings, Dear Sunny Optimists,
As you may have noticed, I have been absent from writing The Sunny Optimist for several months. I lost my appetite for sitting down and writing. After three years of posting every Friday, I felt I had run out of steam—or so I thought! As I look back over the last six months, I realise that the decision David and I made to move house affected my passion for writing.
It all began with an invitation to move closer to family, which proved irresistible! We recognised that finding our ‘last’ home near family aligned beautifully with our philosophy of ageing well. We would be moving to a beautiful part of Scotland called Falkirk, home of the famous Kelpies below.
And so, we entered the selling of our lovely home with optimism and trust, only to face six months of uncertainty. We did not have a legal sale until three days before we actually moved. David and I do best when we know what is happening and can plan accordingly. There was nothing we could do to pin down the selling process. We were downstream of other people's decisions and could not influence this.
We had a clear-hearted dream of moving, which never faltered during the six months of waiting. It was like a Magnetic North Star calling us to trust and remain content as we waited. We utilised lots of mindfulness practices to help us cope. And yet, over the six months, our well-being diminished, and I can see how we became habituated to worrying. It was like a background hum in our everyday life.
As I emerged from the house move I did not feel as energised as I thought I would. I felt a bit flat and was sleeping a lot, which was unusual for me. Feedback from family and friends reminded me that moving house is one of the significant stressors in life. They suggested I explore what the move triggered in me so that I could move on from the disappointment I felt. I took time to do this and found two significant out-of-balance reactions.
The first was my Judging (J) preference, described by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). The test showed me that I prefer my life to be organised, planned and structured. I do best when I know what's coming next and feel a sense of control. I tend to avoid ambiguity, vagueness and unpredictability. I am usually more than able to flex out of my natural preferences when it is best to go with the flow. However, I think it was the extended duration of this stress that took me out of balance.
The second revelation was around the Law of Attraction. This modality suggests that the vibrational energy of our thoughts manifests our reality. By focusing on positive thoughts, we attract life-affirming experiences. Maintaining a vibrational match in the face of ongoing uncertainty was challenging for me. I had an undercurrent of irritation with the Law of Attraction that stemmed from the belief that it was not working. The image of a two-year-old stamping her foot in temper comes to mind, LOL!
As I write about these patterns, I'm reminded of Steve Peters's book The Chimp Paradox and his metaphor of out-of-balance patterns of thought called Goblins and Gremlins. I loved this book and even invited Steve to host workshops at The Scottish Police College, where I worked. His innovative approach to mental health and performance psychology played a significant role in the success of the UK Cycling Team during the 2000s. Below is a video of him speaking about his work.
The book gives an excellent insight into how our minds work and why unhelpful thought patterns can take us over. The Goblin pattern tends to be hardwired in our neurobiology and is complex to resolve. Meanwhile, a Gremlin pattern tends to be learned/acquired over time and can be more readily resolved. The imagery of these sneaky and mischevious characters helps us personify our patterns as a way of deliberately engaging with them. When we visualise them, we can have an inner dialogue that can bring learning and healing.
Here is my understanding of my house-moving experience using the Goblin and Gremlin metaphor. In terms of the Goblin, I see that this experience overstimulated my preference to be planful, organised and structured. The positive side of this preference is that it has been a major strength throughout my career as a management consultant. However, in this experience, this overstimulation led me into deep-seated resistance.
Regarding the Gremlin, my learned beliefs around the Law of Attraction became a trap for me. The longer the sale took, the more determined I became to make it happen. Golly, I can see the circular downward spiral of less attraction, not more, as I tried to impose my will on the selling process. The sale contract coming through just days before the move likely created a final stress spike. I did not have the space to fully allow my J preference the time to plan and organise as I would normally.
So, what now?
Well, the house move is over, and I can see that rest and recovery are needed. This review process lets me see that I am still a work in progress in terms of living life well. I am reminded of the Tenth Stick of Happiness from the book Wokini: A Lakota Journey to Happiness and Self Understanding by Billy Mills, which says, ‘I am learning the life is perfect and to avoid being a perfectionist. So I am being kind to myself, and as the second stick of happiness says, ‘I am learning to appreciate all that I am and have’.
Questions for this Week
During this time, I pondered whether I was finished writing The Sunny Optimist. I am pleased to say that as I sit here in our lovely new garden, I am not done at all. The reluctance I experienced has gone. My well-being is revitalised as I come back into this world of ideas, insights, and inspiration.
I love bringing each piece of writing to a conclusion by asking a few questions, and so, reflecting on this experience, I wonder,
Do you have a pattern of thought that has become a habit you want to change?
If so, would seeing it as a Goblin or a Gremlin aid your resolution?
What inspirational books served your ongoing happiness and optimism?
As always, if my writing has resonated with you, I would love to hear from you.
Ann
So glad that the lilies of your heart are blooming again. I'm an avid reader of non fiction in this area but the read that really opened my eyes was Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao written by Wayne Dyer. Life changing for me....but now I am looking forward to adding Wokini as part of my next learning opportunity. Best to you and yours.
Lovely to hear from you Ann. Thinking of you.
My challenge this week will be to not worry about my inner world of oblivion. Sometimes music reflects a journey from outward gregariousness through towards inner introspection and then outward into a new understanding where one can find light hope and hear singing everywhere again. Sibelius 4. Mahler 9 for example. Without fear embracing optimism even in the inward journey helps one come through darkness into life live happiness and beauty with new resilience and appreciation. More and more than ever. I am so so grateful for my life and happiness and hope to impart some to you on this beautiful day in September xx